Hi, my name is

I guess it's time to call a lawyer, I'm still reluctant mostly because of my own pride. I hate that now I'll be Arika S..., 27 years old and divorced. People will say to others on the phone, "You know Arika, she's 27, she has a little girl and she's divorced..." I feel like it might be posted on my forehead or on a sticky name tag, "Hi, My name is Arika. I'm divorced." Like I said, pride.

It's strange because at the beginning, when we first met, I didn't think that anyone could be better suited for me. He knew how to make me laugh, and smile and also how to confront me out of love so that I would grow. Then we got married and he was exactly the opposite. He knew how to make me cry, and hurt and said ugly things that one day I'll hopefully forget. Instead of loving me the way I was meant to be loved he killed me more and more each day. I never knew what depression was like until we were married and I never felt like I would be happy again.

When we talked on Friday, I asked him about reconciliation and he said he didn't think it would work because 'he knows himself and he isn't sure if he could be faithful and most of all he didn't want to hurt me again'. Well, it still hurt and when I said that he would be living in sin he said he doesn't know if he believes that anymore. I'm sad, for me, for him. I'm sad that he is choosing to be selfish and won't-not can't- he won't control his desires and lusts and is choosing to walk away from the Lord.

It seems so cut and dry to everyone else. He won't be faithful so just chop him off like he's excess baggage. It's not so easy, it's more like major surgery than it is a hacking process. I'm scared, once I go under will I wake up again? Will the surgeon do a good job or will he hack out an extra organ in the process? Will I lose a part of me that cannot be recovered or will I walk away from the surgery unburdened and light hearted?

Well, I know that God is my great physician and with the surgery in His hands I know it can't go wrong unless I insist on taking the scalpel from Him and try to do it myself. So, God, I think I'm ready...still scared but ready so if you can count with me, backwards from 100. Here I go, 100...99...98...97...